Too anxious to be happy

Or when the perspective of future happiness sends you into emotional rollercoasters that don't end.

I woke up this morning feeling embarrassed at the fact that I slept the night before instead of studying. I tried to amend for it by making myself a nice porridge breakfast and sitting next to the window, taking in the early hours of the day, before the sunrise with its birds, colours and people.

After getting everything ready, I sat down, making gently my way through a microbio lesson whilst listening to life taking form outside. Now what might or might not have set me off is absolute mystery to me, but in that moment, something in my head clicked and I wondered further into the future, daydreaming about uncertain things, happy thoughts, wishes for myself and the ones I love.

Instead of making me feel energised and happy, all this daydreaming did was electrify my heart with anxiety.

What kind of trauma have I or my ancestors endured so deeply that now, the shadow of a happy thought is all it takes to make me suffer through crippling fear of loss and tragedy ?

I am writing this feeling absolute panic about things that have yet to happen, a happiness and a fulfillment I have yet to taste. I can't go on like this, brewing pain this unbearable.